So I know there are a lot of things happening for me this week. However, I'd really like it if I could take the "handle it as it comes" approach. I can't do anything about my mediation that's scheduled for Tuesday until, duh, Tuesday. I can't figure out a piano accompaniment for a last-minute gig scheduled for Thursday until tomorrow. I can't get the knots out of my shoulders and back until I can actually relax and get someone to help me with that (Saturday or Monday, Lisa will call me back). And I can't get my mind to calm down, relax, enjoy what I can right now, focus on some other things that need done, and calm my stomach until.... ??? It's all over? School doesn't really bother me. I know I'll find a solution for that tomorrow. Not a problem. Tuesday bothers me. That I'm unsure about the outcome. That I don't want to go to trial. That I can't afford shit right now because I have to put pennies away for my lawyer, ESPECIALLY if we're going to trial. And mostly that I'm this upset about something that I don't want to be. I'm trying very hard to distract myself from it, and it keeps gnawing away at me, expressing itself when I think I have some sort of control over it.
I know, Mom. He's controlling me again because I can't get my own emotions under control. I'm still pissed about DAD. How do you stop letting something erode away in you when there seems to be no closure? How do you bring closure to something that will probably never be closed? I don't have the time or the funds to take a year to find happiness for myself, like Elizabeth Gilbert in "Eat, Pray, Love". Great book, by the way. It gives me hope that I will be able to provide myself with some kind calm and, for lack of a better word, closure at some point in my life. I know I can be very patient, but lately that has not been a great talent of mine. I feel like I've been patient long enough.
Well that sounds familiar. I think I heard myself say that several times to myself a couple of years ago. Most memorably around July of 2006.
So that leaves me with what? Plans of action. I know dates, times, and hopefully that means that in less than 20 days I will officially be known by my maiden name again. I'll try to focus on that fact (hopefully fact). So take Coda out. See friends. Enjoy company and try to distract my brain for the next 45 hours.
Someone call me and remind me to cry Monday night. I don't want to burst into tears on Tuesday (which is likely). We all know how much I love conflict.
3 comments:
Kate,
I'm so glad you liked the book -- you definitely beat me to finishing it. I'm still in the Indonesia section. I love it, just don't have as much time to read anymore since I need to be studying. Anyway...it sounds like you are doing well with this. Really -- you are being very strong and sound like you will be okay. It's okay to be frustrated and mad and cry, etc. But yes, get it out before Tuesday so you don't have to do that in front of that jerkface who shall remain nameless. I'll be sending some good vibes your way and really hope he can just come to terms with this and not fight it anymore. Keep me posted on what happens.
kate, two things:
1) closure is entirely in your control. i think too many people believe that closure is a two (or more) person accomplishment. it is not. it is an individual process. so don't feel like it is out of your hands. you just have to create it for yourself.
2) learn to love conflict. it is a very important part of life - of growing, developing, and not only learning about yourself, but being able to express that self to others. it is not something to fear. if you can embrace it, and the positive things that can come out of it, than you are better able to control it, too - conflict doesn't have to be "bad". it is simply a meeting of minds that don't agree (which, lets be real, should happen often). but we learn through it, and change through it, and change others through it. be willing to clash, accept that that is expected and normal, and it will be less intimidating, and more fruitful on all fronts.
good luck tomorrow. be fearless and you will be in control of yourself. don't be afraid to be angry or hurt and show it. you have a right.
s
Stacy, I need to remember your comments about conflict as well. You are very right. It is healthy and normal and it's weird to not have conflict and definitely unhealthy to just pretend that everything's okay if it's not. Kate, that's not directed at you -- it's definitely something that I'm working on as well. (Not right at this moment, just in general, I've never been good at it.)
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